Humor Page

 My wife hosted a dinner party for all our  friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages, and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well.

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All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.  The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place; but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to just ignore her, but finally it was too much for me.

I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response.

The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

 



GOLFER - CADDIE JOKES

Golfer: Caddiemaster, that boy isn't even eight years old.
Caddie: Better that way, sir. He probably can't count past ten.

 
Golfer: Notice any improvement today, Jimmy?
Caddie: Yes, ma'am. You've got your hair done today.


Golfer: Caddie, do you think my game is improving?
Caddie: Oh, yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to!

In Memoriam      

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,

it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person,

which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote

"The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

 



It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.

 

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' replied the old man.
Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,

 'And how many have you caught today?'
'You're the eighth.'




 A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!!

 



Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
 


During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.

 
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

 
So he sat down and wrote an email:
 

Dear Mama,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.

 
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son,

 
Anthony
 
 
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
 
Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.

 
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving Mama

 


 


 No one  believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are  senile.
An elderly  couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. 
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts 
and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. 
 
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. 
It was not locked, so they entered, and  found the old desk 
they’d shared, where Andy had  carved “I love you, Sally.”

On their way  back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored  car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally  quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, 
they took it home. 
There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said,  “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said,  “Finders keepers.” 
She put the money back in the bag  and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two  police officers were canvassing the neighborhood  looking for the money, and knocked on their door.  “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell 
  out of an armored car yesterday ?”

Sally said,  “No”.

Andy said,  “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said,  “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”
The  agents turned to Andy and began to question him. 
One said:  “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said,  “Well, when Sally and I were walking home 
                      from school yesterday ...”

The first  police officer turned to his partner and said, 
  “We’re outta here!”
 
 





 SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets
implanted.......

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!!


 


A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't
have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

I love this part....

'Only when he's been drinking.'


Nun in Cab

 

A nun gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes! I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says.
"Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied.
I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

 

 One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to be naughty and have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...
The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"


Sex after Death


In case you were wondering.... IS THERE SEX AFTER DEATH?

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Sue..........Sue"
"Is that you, George?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful!? What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, George, are you in Heaven?"
"No, I'm a rabbit in Kansas !"

 



 The Light turned yellow

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red
light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered
her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched,
fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened
the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the
arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind
your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in
front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What
Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate
holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the
chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I
assumed you had stolen the car."

 


 During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

I described a typical day this way:
 
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.
 
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
 
I got sand in my shoes, eyes and hair.
 
I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.

I took a few leaks behind some big trees.

The mental stress of it all left me shattered.

At the end of it all I drank eight beers.
 
Inspired by the story, the doctor said,

"You must be one terrific outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "Not really,I'm just a lousy golfer".


 SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.


WANDA:

Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?


SYLVIA:

I froze to death.


WANDA:

How horrible!


SYLVIA:

It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from

the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,

and finally died a peaceful death.

What about you?


WANDA:

I died of a massive heart attack.

I suspected that my husband was cheating,

so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself

in the den watching TV.


SYLVIA:

So, what happened?


WANDA:

I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running

all over the house looking. I ran up into

the attic and searched, and down into the

basement. Then I went through every closet

and checked under all the beds. I kept this up

until I had looked everywhere, and finally

I became so exhausted that I just keeled over

with a heart attack and died.


SYLVIA:

Too bad you didn't look in the freezer

---we'd both still be alive.
 

 After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.

Now I have a $500,000 house, $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life
crisis.
 

 


THE ARROGANCE OF AUTHORITY

 

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull…

With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs,

"Your badge! Show him your BADGE!"

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.


Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.



 A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."





An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He
walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment....... Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for my call."


Putting Lessons

 

An older gentleman takes his son and his grandson for a round at the local course. Being very busy there, they were asked if they wouldn't mind taking a fourth in their group -- an absolute knock-out, probably the most beautiful woman any of them had seen. Obviously, the three men agree.
On the way to the first tee, the woman states "All that I ask is none of you try to coach me on my game. I really hate that!" The men agree.
It didn't take long to realize that no coaching was needed for this woman, as she made par on every hole, handily beating these three gentlemen.
They finally make it to the 18th green, and the beautiful woman suddenly gets concerned - she has a 30 foot putt to make par. "I've never, ever pared a course before. So I'm going to let each one of you make one suggestion as to how I should aim this shot. And if I make this putt because of your coaching, I'll give you a night you'll never forget!"
The grandson, full of vigor, steps up and says "Aim 6 inches to the left, hit it firm, and in it will go." The son, showing his maturity, states "Nope. Aim 12 inches to the left, hit it soft, and let the terrain push it in the hole."
Last up is the grandfather, who walks the 30 feet, picks up the woman's ball and says "That's a gimme."

 

 

 The Bud Lite Drunk

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue.


Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

 


"The Obedient Wife"
 
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
 
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
 
"Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
 
"Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
 
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."
 
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

 



  
An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing. He asked the trainer that was near by what machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?
 
The trainer looked him up and down and said... "I'd try the ATM in the lobby."

 



The Sensitive Man  

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place,

And as he shows her around his apartment.  

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is 

Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom,   

With hundreds and hundreds of cute,  

Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed

In rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken

Quite some time to lovingly arrange them    

And she was immediately touched

By the amount of thought he had  

Put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along

The bottom shelf,

Medium-sized bears covering the

Length of the middle shelf,

And huge, enormous bears running

All the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an

Obviously masculine guy

To have such a large collection of

Teddy Bears,   She is quite impressed by his Sensitive side.

But doesn't mention this to him.    

They share a bottle of wine and

Continue talking and,

After awhile, she finds herself Thinking,  

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy Could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future Father of my children?'    

She turns to him and kisses him Lightly on the lips  

He responds warmly.   They continue to kiss, the passion builds,    

And he romantically lifts her in His arms and carries her into his bedroom  

Where they rip off each other's Clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she Responds with more passion,    

More creativity, more heat than she Has ever known.  

After an intense, explosive night Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,  

They are lying there together in The afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently Strokes his chest and asks coyly,  

'Well, how was it?'    

The guy gently smiles at her,  

Strokes her cheek,  

Looks deeply into her eyes,   And  says: 

    Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'  


 



 Busy Doctors

More and more doctors are running their practices like assembly lines. One fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?"

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

 




A man  walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi,  and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
 
Passenger:  'Who?'
 
Cabbie:  'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my  coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman  every single time.' 
 
Passenger:  'There are always a few clouds over everybody.' 
 
Cabbie: 'Not  Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at  tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced  like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an  amazing guy. 
 
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really  special. 
 
Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a  computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which  foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like  me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could  do everything right.'
 
Passenger:  'Wow, some guy then.'
 
Cabbie:  'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not  like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake,  and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never  answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always  immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a  mistake.  No one could ever measure up to Frank  Feldman.' 
 
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you  meet him?'
 
Cabbie:  'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his widow.'
 




A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
 
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
 
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?  'You have been with me all through the bad times.  When I got fired, you were there to support me.  When my business failed, you were there.  When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.  When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Martha?'  
 
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
 
'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck!!'

 



...THE WIFE FROM HELL


A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)

'Only when he's been drinking.!!

 

Bless me father for I have sinned

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of
Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional,
The man said: "Father ... During World War II, a beautiful
Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.
So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you
did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay
me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing
what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.  However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

 

 cid:1.2856332728@web1201.biz.mail.gq1.yahoo.com

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..


On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"
 All Seniors Aren't Senile

 

 

 

 Document made with KompoZer

02.28.2020