My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of
whom we hadn't seen for ages, and everyone was encouraged to
bring their children along as well.
All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old
daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her. The girl could
hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted
my hair in place; but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I
tried my best to just ignore her, but finally it was too much
I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table
went quiet, waiting for her response.
The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink
like a fish."
GOLFER - CADDIE JOKES
Golfer: Caddiemaster, that boy isn't even eight years old.
Caddie: Better that way, sir. He probably can't count past ten.
Golfer: Notice any improvement today, Jimmy?
Caddie: Yes, ma'am. You've got your hair done today.
Golfer: Caddie, do you think my game is improving?
Caddie: Oh, yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to!
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person,
which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote
"The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
It was raining hard and a big puddle had
formed in front of the little Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle
holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it
up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was
'Fishing,' replied the old
Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so
he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should
start some conversation while they were sipping their
whisky, the gentleman asked,
how many have you caught today?'
'You're the eighth.'
| A judge was interviewing a woman
regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds
for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice
little home in the middle of the property with a stream running
by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this
case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she
responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations
like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do
my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never
really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any
infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter
have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the
answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband
ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he
gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge
asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a
divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband
does. He said he can't communicate with me!!
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son
Anthony for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his
mother couldn't help but notice how
pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while
watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between
Anthony and his roommate than met the
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony
volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I
are just roommates.''
About a week later, Maria came to
Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to
find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her,
just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the
sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not
saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been
missing ever since you were here for
Your Loving Son,
Several days later, Anthony received a
response email from his Mama which
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with
Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do
not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have
found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama
| No one believes seniors . .
. everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts
and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk
they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back
home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically
landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it,
they took it home.
There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, “We’ve
got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the
neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their
door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell
out of an armored car yesterday ?”
Sally said, “No”.
Andy said, “She’s
lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, “Don’t
believe him, he’s getting senile”
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.
One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
Andy said, “Well,
when Sally and I were walking home
from school yesterday ...”
The first police
officer turned to his partner and said,
“We’re outta here!”
Yesterday I had an appointment to
see the urologist for a Prostate
exam. Of course I was a bit on edge
because all my friends have either
gone under the knife or had those
The waiting room was filled with
As I approached the receptionist's
desk, I noticed that the
receptionist was a large unfriendly
woman who looked like a Sumo
I gave her my name.
In a very loud voice, the
receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE
YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT
All the patients in the waiting
room snapped their heads around to
look at me, a now very embarrassed
man. But as usual, I recovered
quickly, and in an equally loud
voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO
INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE
SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!!
A police officer pulls over a
speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles
per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control
at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't
be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't
have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over
at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth
shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful
your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal
radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says
clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not
wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on,
but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get
my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you
didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat
belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket
the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU
PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your
husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
I love this part....
'Only when he's been drinking.'
A nun gets into the cab and the
cab driver won't stop staring at
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question
to ask you, but I don't want to
She answers, "My son, you cannot
offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I
have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm
sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find
"Well, I've always had a fantasy
to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see
what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited
and says, "Yes! I'm single and
"OK" the nun says.
"Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy
with a kiss that would make a
But when they get back on the
road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun,
"why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I
I must confess, I'm married and
The nun says, "That's OK, my
name is Kevin and I'm going to a
| One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went
to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane
rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy
looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try
that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have
a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is
$10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they
return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride,
but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old,
Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I
don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to
be naughty and have a ride in that there airplane." Martha
replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps
down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the
The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear
your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of
you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip
without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll
give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its
$10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and
agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop
de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot
lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to
hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and
that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and
says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out,
but $10 is $10!"
In case you were wondering.... IS THERE SEX
A couple made a deal that whoever died
first would come back and inform the other
if there was sex after death. Their biggest
fear was that there was no after-life at
After a long life together, the husband was
the first to die. True to his word, he made
the first contact:
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful!? What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.
I have breakfast and then it's off to the
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and
then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of
greens). Another romp around the golf
course then pretty much have sex the rest
of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to golf course
again. Then it's more sex until late at
night. I catch some much-needed sleep and
then the next day it starts all over
"Oh, George, are you in Heaven?"
"No, I'm a rabbit in Kansas !"
Light turned yellow
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the
light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the
dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and
up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer
her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched,
fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and
the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the
arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up
your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy
front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the
Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate
holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and
chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so
assumed you had stolen the car."
| During my physical
examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity
I described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km
through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through
I got sand in my shoes, eyes and hair.
I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few leaks behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers.
Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
"You must be one terrific outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "Not really,I'm just a lousy golfer".
Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
I froze to death.
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.
So, what happened?
I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into
the attic and searched, and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive.
After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my
wife one day and said, "Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap
apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a
10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with
a hot 25-year-old gal.
Now I have a $500,000 house, $45,000 car, nice big bed and
plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It
seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and
find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I
would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a
cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black
and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your
THE ARROGANCE OF AUTHORITY
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and
talks with an old rancher. He tells the
rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for
illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that
field over there," as he points out the
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying,
"Mister, I have the authority of the Federal
Government with me." Reaching into his rear
pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly
displays it to the rancher. "See this badge?
This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I
wish. On any land. No questions asked or
answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes
about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud
screams and sees the DEA officer running for
his life chased by the rancher's big Santa
With every step, the bull is gaining ground on
the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get
gored before he reaches safety. The officer is
clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his
tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top
of his lungs,
"Your badge! Show him your BADGE!"
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and
was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol
abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as
smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture
at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
be on a
passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question
and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost
control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb,
and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a
few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the
still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the
daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to
the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the
shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No,
no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day
driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25
Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a
fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He
walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep
breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed
there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his
He promptly called the local police station. The
conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is
Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father
O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a
jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so
kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit,
replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always
my impression that you people took care of the last
There was dead silence on the line for a long
moment....... Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis
certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the
next of kin first, which is the reason for my call."
An older gentleman
takes his son and his
grandson for a round at
the local course. Being
very busy there, they
were asked if they
wouldn't mind taking a
fourth in their group
-- an absolute
knock-out, probably the
most beautiful woman
any of them had seen.
Obviously, the three
On the way to the first
tee, the woman states
"All that I ask is none
of you try to coach me
on my game. I really
hate that!" The men
It didn't take long to
realize that no
coaching was needed for
this woman, as she made
par on every hole,
handily beating these
They finally make it to
the 18th green, and the
suddenly gets concerned
- she has a 30 foot
putt to make par. "I've
never, ever pared a
course before. So I'm
going to let each one
of you make one
suggestion as to how I
should aim this shot.
And if I make this putt
because of your
coaching, I'll give you
a night you'll never
The grandson, full of
vigor, steps up and
says "Aim 6 inches to
the left, hit it firm,
and in it will go." The
son, showing his
maturity, states "Nope.
Aim 12 inches to the
left, hit it soft, and
let the terrain push it
in the hole."
Last up is the
grandfather, who walks
the 30 feet, picks up
the woman's ball and
says "That's a gimme."
| The Bud Lite Drunk
A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my
husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, he beats me to a
Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your
husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of
sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't
swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to
bed in his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking
fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my
husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet
tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
|"The Obedient Wife"
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to
take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my
money to the afterlife with me."
so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he
died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting
there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When
they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready
to close the casket, the wife said,
had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it
in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they
rolled it away. So her friend said,
"Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my
word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend
An old guy (not in
the best of shape) was working out in the
gym when he spotted a sweet young thing. He
asked the trainer that was near by what
machine in here should I use to impress
that sweet thing over there?
The trainer looked
him up and down and said... "I'd try the
ATM in the lobby."
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up
They get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly
There are three shelves in the bedroom,
With hundreds and hundreds of cute,
Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
In rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange
And she was immediately touched
By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,
And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy
To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by
his Sensitive side.
But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself Thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy Could be the
Maybe he could be the future Father of my
She turns to him and kisses him Lightly on
He responds warmly. They continue to
kiss, the passion builds,
And he romantically lifts her in His arms
and carries her into his bedroom
Where they rip off each other's Clothes and
make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she Responds
with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she Has
After an intense, explosive night Of raw
passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in The
The woman rolls over, gently Strokes his
chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes, And says:
Help yourself to any prize from the middle